Thursday, April 28, 2005

A Speech By A 100 Percent True (Unfortunately) Story

Welcome ladies and gentlemen. I would like to start off this speech by apologizing for the next 5 minutes, because that’s 5 minutes of your life that your never going to get back. Five minute that you could have spent listening to some who is going to win. That’s right if I wasn’t up here you could have been listen to a winner, someone who is funny and a good speaker. Someone who didn’t set the standard for being bad at....well....pretty much life. When I think about what im bad at 3 things come to mind, speech, following the law and women.

First off is speech. Besides ADS I also do public debate. For those of you who don’t know, debaters who do public debate need to keep up on current issues. This is because after you get a topic you have 15 minutes to prepare. I remember one time, at the Willamete tournament. My partner Nina and I went to the room we were assigned to. I was so nervous because I had never debated before. Anyway, we got up there and got our topic and then we had 15 minutes to prepare. Our topic was “Affirmative action needs to be reformed.” Well neither one of us knew what it meant so we started to panic. The dictionary we had was printed before the Affirmative Action policy was instituted. So, we described each word individually. Our definition was “Positive movement needs to be changed.” Needless to say we lost however, the judges comments were “Affirmation, (not us), wins because they did not waste the judges time.” Then, the judge took the time out of his day to write the word shame and draw an arrow to my name. If this has happened to anyone else talk to me after the round for a high five.

Anyway, next, is following the law. Well I guess this is also partly women as well. So a friend of mine, was getting a bunch of calls from some company in Mississippi.. They were probably just phone solicitors but, she looked scared and so I had to do something. So my bright idea went something like this, “hello this is Special Agent John Smith, with the FBI, I am investigating a harassment case. I am going to need the calls to Erin’s phone to stop. You can reach me at 971-998-8681." That was my phone number by the way. So then after a few calls back and forth, I thought it had stopped. However, a few days later, I recieved a phone call from a S.A. Sonny Liu. At first I ignored him because I thought he was just the company screwing with me. Then I got scared and had my friend Andy call him. My friend Andy mad him mad so he called my parents. This made my parents both scared and angry. So the FBI wanted to interrogate.....I mean talk to me. So, after much deliberation my parents decided to hire me a lawyer. Mr. Richard Helzer was my lawyers name. After a few meetings with him we met with the Federal agents at my lawyers office. They asked me questions about what happened, What was the real name of my friend, and why I did it. Finally, thank god, they decided to call my case an X-file. That’s right an X-file. That does not mean however, that there was anything paranormal to do with my case. I’m not that lucky. What it means is “no longer to be investigated. After it was all said and done, I found out that had they if decided to prosecute me I almost certanly would have gone to jail for about 6-10 years, and 500k in fines, for “Impersonating a federal officer” and “obstructing interstate commerce”

After all that you would think I got the girl in the end, right? Well, unfortunately this was a true story and real life doesn’t work like that. Or maybe it does? I am in the process of “getting the girl.” Or at least I hope I am. At first I thought she was perfect, no flaws. Just like any guy does. Until they find out that women are crazy. I’m not going into specifics because I don’t want to get hurt. So, as you can probably guess, things are shaky right now that’s why she is not in here while I give this speech. Things I say tend to make things go from bad to worse. Sadly, all of my examples are not “school appropriate.” Well, you can’t pick who you fall for, what fun would that be?

So I raise my glass of shame to those don’t quite make it to the top and to the alleged felons and, finally to women who make life worth living.
- by

Part of the first Carnival of Comedy