Thursday, April 28, 2005

Fake News from


Leading Organization Fights for Cannibalistic Lifestyle to Become Accepted by Mainstream

DATELINE-WOLNETTA, WISCONSIN-The national organization for securing equality today broke its silence on the issue of cannibalism, announcing its support for the alternative lifestyle in society. Speaker Johnny Q Mortly, head of NOSE, stated that the organization stood behind cannibals everywhere, and intended lobbying for the EEA (Equal Eating Amendment) in Washington.
This ignited cheer in the self-hungering community, where thousands ran into the streets-laughing, crying, snapping at each other, and otherwise demonstrating their jubilation.
The speech today comes as a surprise, however, to many who are mostly unaware of the long struggle of cannibalism, as well as its more recent successes which seem to have triggered this important decision. NOSE, and the single most important organization for the cause, CAIR (Cannibals Association for International Rights) have put out a pamphlet detailing its history.
The fight began in a small garage in 1957, when Wilmer "Ziggy" Ostman and his friends decided they should become political activists. According to legend, Ziggy (also known to his buddies as "Stoogie" "Booger" and "Bubby" suggested selling lawn furniture to convicts, but his friend Patsy suggested something else. She related to him, and the others, a tail of horror, as she had seen it unfold herself. Three days before, she had been at a soup kitchen, when a bum (name unknown) asked those running the establishment for some lady fingers. They complied, yet he rejected them anyhow. Apparently, he had intended a more literal definition. He was immediately thrown out of the building. What if, Patsy suggested, they take up the cause of protecting cannibalism from discrimination?
They had their fight. Wilmer (and his soon to be wife, Patsy) officially started CAIR in 1959.
The road was a tough one. In 1967, eight years into their struggle, famed newspaper reported Hodge Bridges wrote a piece entitled "Sickness" treating the cannibalistic lifestyle as a disgusting one. In 1969 Bridges wrote again on the subject in "Headhunters of Brooklyn" as well as in 1970 in his novel "The Phalange Runs Sour". The Ostmans were horrified at their treatment. Converted cannibals themselves, they were twice admitted to notable mental institutions due to their anguish, and even began to take up drinking.
"My preferred liquor at that time was Scotch" Wilmer says "But only real Scotch, if you know what I mean. We had a tough time with the Bridge's pieces, because we knew he was having an influence. Patsy and I were just about ready to give up the fight when he was found guilty of mail fraud. Finally, we thought, the anti-self consumers are being exposed for what they are."
In 1971, the Ostmans and their supporters held a rally, in front of the White House, which would become legendary to those in their community. Making political speeches, singing, and trying desperately to order take-out without being laughed at, the event paved the way for more public awareness of the situation.
"Still," Patsy says "People seemed more concerned about other things. Civil rights for races & religions, war, blah blah blah. People in those days had their priorities mixed up."
And so, in 1974, it came as no surprise that CAIR was the only major organization not included in the famous "We Sing For Rights" bonanza on NBC-TV Syracuse, which is notable for a variety of reasons; particularly the advancement of political awareness and a really weird number performed by Danny Bonaduce.
In 1978 Jimmy Carter became the first President to speak at a cannibalistic rally.
"We are here today," he said "because we must be aware of the great struggle being fought by the outcasts of society. If we are able to stare this situation in the eye, we may someday be able to stand up tall, look to glory and say 'By God, they're eating each other, but I don't give a damn!'"
The 80's brought new troubles for the Ostmans, however, when ending the Cold War became the main priority of the new Administration.
"They were like, lets stop the Cold War, lets get rid of Russia, yada yada yada. The USSR was one of the only major countries in which cannibalism was common! Of course, that was because there was no food, but, still...."
The Ostman's hatred of Reagan became apparent when their son, Ned (Also known as "Ziggy") actually attacked a cardboard cutout of the Gipper, while in a drunken stupor.
"Yeah, it was kind of embarrassing" Ned says "But he deserved it, even if it wasn't really him. I was pretty drunk, and I did get bad press about it, but in all honesty I usually handle my insane, violent stupors better than that."
With the end of the 80's came more hope for CAIR. Jose Sebastian Artis III, a former communist turned cannibal, became an active member of the fight. He started CRUD (Cannibal Rights Under Democracy) in 1991, but found it hard to break into the mainstream of the cause. He joined CAIR in 1992.
"We had a godsend in Jose," Patsy says "He provided a youthful passion we hadn't seen in years, since the old days in Wilmer's garage. He had so many new ideas, we elevated him to a position equal to our own."
"I loved it there, CAIR. I had a great organization to be a part of, wonderful people, and by gosh-the food! I don't know who their caterer was but I'm glad they found him."
Even with more pieces written against the fight (Such as Timothy Lolabrigida's "The Dead Guy" William Horatio's "The Tie in the Soup" and the dark, sardonic novel "Coffin Cookies" written by the greatest fighter against cannibalism ever, Louisa Burgess Meredith) Jose breathed new life into the old action group, and kept it running better than ever. Though he eventually retired in 1995 from activism in favor of a new love, yacht racing, Artis remembers the years in CAIR as some of the greatest of his life.
"I don't look back on those years with regret, that is regret either that I spent my time there or that I left so suddenly. But I do look back on it fondly as a time when cannibalism shined and I was part of the twinkle."
With the departure of Artis, the Ostmans again greatly worried their cause might be lost. But then, in 1996, the greatest single occurrence for the advancement of the organization to date (and that which is best remembered as triggering the announcement of NOSE this morning) came to be. NOW, the National Organization of Wombats, joined the fight. The new capital, publicity, and manpower was a colossal boost that the association needed.
"We of the National Organization of Wombats have come out today in favor of cannibalism, because we feel it is in the best interest of wombats to support this human lifestyle. Too often are wombats treated as delicacies by the strange fringe of peopledome. Too often are wombat roasts, wombat jerkey, wombat mignon, and other dishes of anti-wombatism served among the dark and the degenerate. If this, cannibalistic way of life becomes the main, strange food of humanity, wombats shall sink into culinary obscurity."
The alliance was mighty. The two organizations fought together in virtually every medium, print, radio, and television. On one notable appearance on a cable TV show, two representatives from the political action groups became involved in the most famous debate in self-hungering history.

BILL O'REILLY: We have with us today, two notable activists. John Charley from CAIR, and Mikey Sundance from NOW. John, what in the world is going on here?

JOHN: How so, Bill?

BILL: How can you possibly advocate the consuming of human beings?

JOHN: What can I say, Bill, it speaks for itself.

MIKEY: You aren't anti-wombat, are you O'Reilly?

BILL: That's convoluted thinking.

MIKEY: Blow it out your ass!

JOHN: Seriously, Bill, what's your problem?

BILL: How can you do this!? These are people; it’s entirely immoral to eat them.

JOHN: I'm not saying we're killing them, Bill, they're already dead. We find them in the streets, morgues, etc. Sometimes third world countries. It’s not like there's any violence involved.

BILL: But it’s disgusting!

MIKEY: The wombatian slurs are coming....

JOHN: I'm not saying its pretty, BILL, but it’s certainly not disgusting. What's so weird about it?

BILL: Isn't there anywhere to draw the line?

MIKEY: Line! You called me line! Everyone knows that s a derogatory combat against wombat-sympathizers....

JOHN: Please, Bill, you're getting over emotional, here, take a bite out of my chalupa.

Soon, more organizations joined the alliance; The NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Cannibalistic People) the ACLU (American Cannibal Liberty Union) and the AFL-CIO (Americans For Lots of Cannibals In Office). And after today, the NOSEs shall proudly walk among them.
"It's been a long struggle, but we're finally breaking through. People are finally willing to accept cannibals for what they are," Patsy says "But now I have to cut our interview short. Meeting Ted Kennedy for a waitress sandwich"