The Frank J. Fan Club

Request

2005-10-10T05:31:00.000-07:00

I'd like to do another mission like we did a while back.

Who is with me?

Fake News from WhiteFang1001@aol.com

2005-04-28T07:32:00.000-07:00

CANNIBALS FIGHT FOR CIVIL RIGHTS

Leading Organization Fights for Cannibalistic Lifestyle to Become Accepted by Mainstream

DATELINE-WOLNETTA, WISCONSIN-The national organization for securing equality today broke its silence on the issue of cannibalism, announcing its support for the alternative lifestyle in society. Speaker Johnny Q Mortly, head of NOSE, stated that the organization stood behind cannibals everywhere, and intended lobbying for the EEA (Equal Eating Amendment) in Washington.
This ignited cheer in the self-hungering community, where thousands ran into the streets-laughing, crying, snapping at each other, and otherwise demonstrating their jubilation.
The speech today comes as a surprise, however, to many who are mostly unaware of the long struggle of cannibalism, as well as its more recent successes which seem to have triggered this important decision. NOSE, and the single most important organization for the cause, CAIR (Cannibals Association for International Rights) have put out a pamphlet detailing its history.
The fight began in a small garage in 1957, when Wilmer "Ziggy" Ostman and his friends decided they should become political activists. According to legend, Ziggy (also known to his buddies as "Stoogie" "Booger" and "Bubby" suggested selling lawn furniture to convicts, but his friend Patsy suggested something else. She related to him, and the others, a tail of horror, as she had seen it unfold herself. Three days before, she had been at a soup kitchen, when a bum (name unknown) asked those running the establishment for some lady fingers. They complied, yet he rejected them anyhow. Apparently, he had intended a more literal definition. He was immediately thrown out of the building. What if, Patsy suggested, they take up the cause of protecting cannibalism from discrimination?
They had their fight. Wilmer (and his soon to be wife, Patsy) officially started CAIR in 1959.
The road was a tough one. In 1967, eight years into their struggle, famed newspaper reported Hodge Bridges wrote a piece entitled "Sickness" treating the cannibalistic lifestyle as a disgusting one. In 1969 Bridges wrote again on the subject in "Headhunters of Brooklyn" as well as in 1970 in his novel "The Phalange Runs Sour". The Ostmans were horrified at their treatment. Converted cannibals themselves, they were twice admitted to notable mental institutions due to their anguish, and even began to take up drinking.
"My preferred liquor at that time was Scotch" Wilmer says "But only real Scotch, if you know what I mean. We had a tough time with the Bridge's pieces, because we knew he was having an influence. Patsy and I were just about ready to give up the fight when he was found guilty of mail fraud. Finally, we thought, the anti-self consumers are being exposed for what they are."
In 1971, the Ostmans and their supporters held a rally, in front of the White House, which would become legendary to those in their community. Making political speeches, singing, and trying desperately to order take-out without being laughed at, the event paved the way for more public awareness of the situation.
"Still," Patsy says "People seemed more concerned about other things. Civil rights for races & religions, war, blah blah blah. People in those days had their priorities mixed up."
And so, in 1974, it came as no surprise that CAIR was the only major organization not included in the famous "We Sing For Rights" bonanza on NBC-TV Syracuse, which is notable for a variety of reasons; particularly the advancement of political awareness and a really weird number performed by Danny Bonaduce.
In 1978 Jimmy Carter became the first President to speak at a cannibalistic rally.
"We are here today," he said "because we must be aware of the great struggle being fought by the outcasts of society. If we are able to stare this situation in the eye, we may someday be able to stand up tall, look to glory and say 'By God, they're eating each other, but I don't give a damn!'"
The 80's brought new troubles for the Ostmans, however, when ending the Cold War became the main priority of the new Administration.
"They were like, lets stop the Cold War, lets get rid of Russia, yada yada yada. The USSR was one of the only major countries in which cannibalism was common! Of course, that was because there was no food, but, still...."
The Ostman's hatred of Reagan became apparent when their son, Ned (Also known as "Ziggy") actually attacked a cardboard cutout of the Gipper, while in a drunken stupor.
"Yeah, it was kind of embarrassing" Ned says "But he deserved it, even if it wasn't really him. I was pretty drunk, and I did get bad press about it, but in all honesty I usually handle my insane, violent stupors better than that."
With the end of the 80's came more hope for CAIR. Jose Sebastian Artis III, a former communist turned cannibal, became an active member of the fight. He started CRUD (Cannibal Rights Under Democracy) in 1991, but found it hard to break into the mainstream of the cause. He joined CAIR in 1992.
"We had a godsend in Jose," Patsy says "He provided a youthful passion we hadn't seen in years, since the old days in Wilmer's garage. He had so many new ideas, we elevated him to a position equal to our own."
"I loved it there, CAIR. I had a great organization to be a part of, wonderful people, and by gosh-the food! I don't know who their caterer was but I'm glad they found him."
Even with more pieces written against the fight (Such as Timothy Lolabrigida's "The Dead Guy" William Horatio's "The Tie in the Soup" and the dark, sardonic novel "Coffin Cookies" written by the greatest fighter against cannibalism ever, Louisa Burgess Meredith) Jose breathed new life into the old action group, and kept it running better than ever. Though he eventually retired in 1995 from activism in favor of a new love, yacht racing, Artis remembers the years in CAIR as some of the greatest of his life.
"I don't look back on those years with regret, that is regret either that I spent my time there or that I left so suddenly. But I do look back on it fondly as a time when cannibalism shined and I was part of the twinkle."
With the departure of Artis, the Ostmans again greatly worried their cause might be lost. But then, in 1996, the greatest single occurrence for the advancement of the organization to date (and that which is best remembered as triggering the announcement of NOSE this morning) came to be. NOW, the National Organization of Wombats, joined the fight. The new capital, publicity, and manpower was a colossal boost that the association needed.
"We of the National Organization of Wombats have come out today in favor of cannibalism, because we feel it is in the best interest of wombats to support this human lifestyle. Too often are wombats treated as delicacies by the strange fringe of peopledome. Too often are wombat roasts, wombat jerkey, wombat mignon, and other dishes of anti-wombatism served among the dark and the degenerate. If this, cannibalistic way of life becomes the main, strange food of humanity, wombats shall sink into culinary obscurity."
The alliance was mighty. The two organizations fought together in virtually every medium, print, radio, and television. On one notable appearance on a cable TV show, two representatives from the political action groups became involved in the most famous debate in self-hungering history.

BILL O'REILLY: We have with us today, two notable activists. John Charley from CAIR, and Mikey Sundance from NOW. John, what in the world is going on here?

JOHN: How so, Bill?

BILL: How can you possibly advocate the consuming of human beings?

JOHN: What can I say, Bill, it speaks for itself.

MIKEY: You aren't anti-wombat, are you O'Reilly?

BILL: That's convoluted thinking.

MIKEY: Blow it out your ass!

JOHN: Seriously, Bill, what's your problem?

BILL: How can you do this!? These are people; it’s entirely immoral to eat them.

JOHN: I'm not saying we're killing them, Bill, they're already dead. We find them in the streets, morgues, etc. Sometimes third world countries. It’s not like there's any violence involved.

BILL: But it’s disgusting!

MIKEY: The wombatian slurs are coming....

JOHN: I'm not saying its pretty, BILL, but it’s certainly not disgusting. What's so weird about it?

BILL: Isn't there anywhere to draw the line?

MIKEY: Line! You called me line! Everyone knows that s a derogatory combat against wombat-sympathizers....

JOHN: Please, Bill, you're getting over emotional, here, take a bite out of my chalupa.

Soon, more organizations joined the alliance; The NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Cannibalistic People) the ACLU (American Cannibal Liberty Union) and the AFL-CIO (Americans For Lots of Cannibals In Office). And after today, the NOSEs shall proudly walk among them.
"It's been a long struggle, but we're finally breaking through. People are finally willing to accept cannibals for what they are," Patsy says "But now I have to cut our interview short. Meeting Ted Kennedy for a waitress sandwich"

from WhiteFang1001@aol.com

A Speech By thrillerfan89@yahoo.com: A 100 Percent True (Unfortunately) Story

2005-04-28T07:26:00.000-07:00

Welcome ladies and gentlemen. I would like to start off this speech by apologizing for the next 5 minutes, because that’s 5 minutes of your life that your never going to get back. Five minute that you could have spent listening to some who is going to win. That’s right if I wasn’t up here you could have been listen to a winner, someone who is funny and a good speaker. Someone who didn’t set the standard for being bad at....well....pretty much life. When I think about what im bad at 3 things come to mind, speech, following the law and women.

First off is speech. Besides ADS I also do public debate. For those of you who don’t know, debaters who do public debate need to keep up on current issues. This is because after you get a topic you have 15 minutes to prepare. I remember one time, at the Willamete tournament. My partner Nina and I went to the room we were assigned to. I was so nervous because I had never debated before. Anyway, we got up there and got our topic and then we had 15 minutes to prepare. Our topic was “Affirmative action needs to be reformed.” Well neither one of us knew what it meant so we started to panic. The dictionary we had was printed before the Affirmative Action policy was instituted. So, we described each word individually. Our definition was “Positive movement needs to be changed.” Needless to say we lost however, the judges comments were “Affirmation, (not us), wins because they did not waste the judges time.” Then, the judge took the time out of his day to write the word shame and draw an arrow to my name. If this has happened to anyone else talk to me after the round for a high five.

Anyway, next, is following the law. Well I guess this is also partly women as well. So a friend of mine, was getting a bunch of calls from some company in Mississippi.. They were probably just phone solicitors but, she looked scared and so I had to do something. So my bright idea went something like this, “hello this is Special Agent John Smith, with the FBI, I am investigating a harassment case. I am going to need the calls to Erin’s phone to stop. You can reach me at 971-998-8681." That was my phone number by the way. So then after a few calls back and forth, I thought it had stopped. However, a few days later, I recieved a phone call from a S.A. Sonny Liu. At first I ignored him because I thought he was just the company screwing with me. Then I got scared and had my friend Andy call him. My friend Andy mad him mad so he called my parents. This made my parents both scared and angry. So the FBI wanted to interrogate.....I mean talk to me. So, after much deliberation my parents decided to hire me a lawyer. Mr. Richard Helzer was my lawyers name. After a few meetings with him we met with the Federal agents at my lawyers office. They asked me questions about what happened, What was the real name of my friend, and why I did it. Finally, thank god, they decided to call my case an X-file. That’s right an X-file. That does not mean however, that there was anything paranormal to do with my case. I’m not that lucky. What it means is “no longer to be investigated. After it was all said and done, I found out that had they if decided to prosecute me I almost certanly would have gone to jail for about 6-10 years, and 500k in fines, for “Impersonating a federal officer” and “obstructing interstate commerce”

After all that you would think I got the girl in the end, right? Well, unfortunately this was a true story and real life doesn’t work like that. Or maybe it does? I am in the process of “getting the girl.” Or at least I hope I am. At first I thought she was perfect, no flaws. Just like any guy does. Until they find out that women are crazy. I’m not going into specifics because I don’t want to get hurt. So, as you can probably guess, things are shaky right now that’s why she is not in here while I give this speech. Things I say tend to make things go from bad to worse. Sadly, all of my examples are not “school appropriate.” Well, you can’t pick who you fall for, what fun would that be?

So I raise my glass of shame to those don’t quite make it to the top and to the alleged felons and, finally to women who make life worth living.
- by thrillerfan89@yahoo.com

Part of the first Carnival of Comedy

IMAO IS NOW A GROUP BLOG

2005-03-06T20:55:00.000-08:00

NOT A TYPO!

IMAO IS NOW A GROUP BLOG

Admittedly, it's not breaking news, but it's true. Plus, I'm one of the group bloggers.

Not braggin', just sayin'.

OK, braggin' just a little bitty bit.

Voltron?

2004-09-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, the blogosphere is like Voltron

Camille Has Moved, Again

2004-09-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

Update your links again, I have.

Happy Blogiversary Frank J And IMAO

2004-07-09T23:54:00.000-07:00

As loyal citizens in the wonderous world of IMAO and the truly handsome and witty Frank J it is not only our duty but our pleasure to celebrate IMAO's Blogiversary.

Have a Happy One!

We promise to go and shower after that thorough asskissing

Frank link

2004-07-07T22:47:00.000-07:00

Frank J needs help being #1 google search for Frank.

Camille Has Moved

2004-06-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

Update your links, I have.

Happy Birthday, Frank J

2004-06-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday fearless leader.

We hope you allow yourself a brief respite from whipping hippies, terrorists, French, Canadians, French-Canadians, French looking waffly Americans, gun control wusses, Michael Mooore, Dudley Moore, Roger Moore, Mary Tyler Moore, Lefties, the UN and the of course the Limey.

You deserve it. Its your birthday. Kick back and let the guns cool for a moment. Let the blood dry on the katana. Let the smell of hippy dissipate from the nightstick. Let you boots rest from kicking the backside of the wayward nuckleheaded wingnuts that inhabit too much of this planet.

It time to commemorate, you were forged in steel on this day a quarter century ago. It was on this day those many years ago that the USS FRANK J set off to sea under its own power seeking to export truth, justice and an America-sized knock upside the head to whoever needs it. America became a little more America-y on this day.

Now that you've caught your breath and you are all cozy and comfy and basking in your self glory that is Frankness. Get back to work busting skulls, wanker!, the American way is't going to save itself, now, is it?

We stand at attention awaiting your orders.

Happy Birthday, Frank J

- your Ronin goon squad, henchmen, lackeys, whatever...

Mission Implausible?

2004-06-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know about the rest of you but I really enjoyed that last mission and am sorta hankering for a new one. Pressure Frank J. into giving us a new one.

Monkey Business, Indeed

2004-05-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

This is the kind of monkey business that makes Frank mad.

Talk about traffic messes.

A Few Changes

2004-04-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

Added some links for Camille's many, count 'em 4, blogs.

Be Outraged

2004-04-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

Frank did not win. Sure, Kim is hella good for the job but he's just not Frank.

I suggest every single Frank fan be outraged. And act like they feel cheated. Better yet, act democrat. Chads and all!

That is all.

New Contributor

2004-04-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

Camille from IMFO has accepted the invitation to add some oomph to this here fan blog.

Welcome Camille. We look forward to your joining in on the fun.

New Signup List Beta

2004-04-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

Well gang,
the original signup list was kind of bobo, I'll admit. Apparently just because you sign up, it doesn't always sign you up. Well, it was a list that was free through my ISP and turns out is pretty squirrelly. I apologize for that.

Soooo, Here's what I'm doing. I'm setting up a maillist through my blog host. You can sign up here. I'm still in the process of setting it up but signing up should work fine. And then when Frank wants to email us all he's got an easy way to do it. And maybe we'll all get it.

Is Frank J. talking to you?

2004-04-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

Frank J. has sent an email. If you signed up for the fan club and got it, great, you know what to expect.

If you did not return to the the signup sheet and enter the enter the password from your verification email, you MUST do so in order to be on the list.

If you did not get a verification email from the address list, then you did not enter a valid email address. You must enter a valid email {duh}.

Frank J. is not going to spam anyone. To prevent even the possibility of this, the verification password is required as the list's way of verifying you actually own the email address that is entered.

If you did follow instructions like a good Frank J. fan and still have not gotten the email, you need to let me know. Comment here.

Signup sheet full again!

2004-04-11T17:36:00.000-07:00

Due to MORE overwhelming response from Frank J. Fans everywhere.
How about that!

New Contest at IMAO.

2004-04-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

Of course, it's brilliant. Check it out.

Anybody here signed up for it? I'm just asking.

Signup sheet full?

2004-04-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

Well it was full, due to overwhelming response from Frank J. Fans everywhere.

I archived the addresses off to a safe place.

Now it's not full anymore! So sign up to your heart's content.

Give Frank J. his props.

Update

2004-04-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

Added link to the new home of my other blog.

The fanclub list is growing. There is still time to join.

Yvonnes Ashes

2004-04-01T05:25:00.000-08:00

Yvonne's Ashes

Who would like to see more on this thread?

I would! It sorta left us hangin'.

A bunch of you too, I'm sure. Let me hear ya.

Sign Up

2004-04-01T05:21:00.000-08:00

Frank J. said he isn't going to send out anything just yet, so you still have time to get on the list.

Don't be the only one on your block who isn't in the Frank J. Fan Club.

Sign up today!

Fan Club Rewards

2004-03-31T12:07:00.000-08:00

If you have signed up for the fan club already You are a charter member. As such you will be receiving an email from Frank J. himself soon. I sent the list to him earlier this morning.

If you didn't sign up, well. Ninjas might be on the way to your house.

Seriously, if you didn't sign up, go ahead and sign up anyway and maybe, maybe Frank J. will be merciful and send you one anyway.

If you do it soon, that is, no promises.

Frank J.'s Fan Club Sign Up Sheet

2004-03-30T00:31:00.000-08:00

At Frank J.'s repeated urging I have Set up a Sign Up Sheet.

Link is also conveniently located on the sidebar ----> .

Sign up, Be A Minion...er....Member today!

Update:Frank J. links in and is promising a ride on his yacht to charter members after we propel him to the throne of power.

Update 2: The number of signer's up is now a non-zero positive integer. Alright! Let's keep the number in the positive integers. Frank don't need no half fans.

Update 3: The count is in double digits. Sure have a lot of people linking in and NOT signing up though. Frank J. doesn't like it when you don't sign up. And you definitely do not want to make Frank J. angry.

Fan Poll

2004-03-29T05:29:00.000-08:00

Which type of posts of Frank J.'s do you like best and why. Here are the categories.

You can link straight in to review 'em just in case you haven't read some of them before.

One More Frank J Fan Blog and One less Frank J Fan Blog

2004-03-28T20:21:00.000-08:00

A new Frank J fan site is up here. Added it to the roll.

Plus or maybe I should say minus Amphytrion took hers down.

Oh and Frank J dropped by the blog to say 'hi' see below.

A Post from Frank J.

2004-03-28T11:14:00.000-08:00

It is I, Frank J., and I am posting. Admire me in the comments section.

-Frank J.

Added New Link to Classic IMAO

2004-03-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

Added link to sidebar for the old IMAO from when it was hosted on blogspot.

Lots of the links don't work anymore because, I guess Frank J. no longer has the web space he was using then.
Here's the link: http://imao.blogspot.com/

IMAO

Frank J. Matrix Pic

2004-03-26T17:45:00.000-08:00

Frank J. He looks sort of peeved at something. Probably a rogue ninja, terrorist, Limey or Liberal.

But most likely he's taking shots at that Jonah guy.

Dues and Benefits Of The FJFC.

2004-03-26T13:40:00.000-08:00

The question's been asked about dues and benefits.

Well.....what do you want?

A newsletter?

A Tshirt? Possibly a remake of the Nuke the Moon Shirt?

How about an IMA_fanO_{frank j.} Hat?

Lunch with Frank?

His home Telephone Number?

His daily schedule so you can stalk him? Hmmm, ok maybe that one's a bad idea. But Frank might like being stalked so he can go medieval on you.

Then we'll see about what it would cost.

A few changes

2004-03-26T12:24:00.000-08:00

Added sidebar on right.

Added a Link to our favorite blog. Which in retrospect is sorta silly since folks are more likely to be comng here from there instead of the other way around. But there yo ugo anyway.

Changed the layout too. I tried to emulate the IMAO layout.

Also added link on the sidebar to my other blog. The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles.

Thank's Frank J. I sorta borrowed your cascading style sheet a little. I hope you don't mind.

Added Random Frank J. Quotes!

2004-03-26T07:29:00.000-08:00

I was trying to spice this joint up a bit.

What better to add than Random Frank J. Quotes?

Another Frank J fan blog

2004-03-26T05:38:00.000-08:00

Amphitryon has made a Frank J fan blog too. But the one you are looking at was first. First I tell you. First to be claimed on the IMAO comments list anyway. And that's what reaaally matters in my book.

Wow, Frank J. sure is popular.

2004-03-26T05:30:00.000-08:00

He wants that Jonah guys job. We should help. Anybody have any ideas about how we can help him?

Welcome To The Frank J. Fan Club

2004-03-25T20:23:00.000-08:00

As commanded by Frank J.,

So, one of you reading this, start a fan site for me.

NOW!

This Fan Blog is created thusly.